can i just say being sick absolutely stinks! I’ve been fighting a cold for almost a week now…it started out as just a stuffed up nose and a little bit of a scratchy throat…now it’s like someone is turning a valve in my nose on and off every few minutes….it’s running one minute and completely stuffed up the next…unless of course I’m having a sneezing fit, which happens pretty often, too…all that, combined with the beginnings of a nasty cough…and to make matters worse…the sinus headaches have started. It’s official…my sinus cavities hate me! That’s what I get for working with babies, I guess.
on a more possitive note. this year I’ve decided that I’m going to really try to lose weight and get healthy. I don’t normally make New Year’s Resolutions…but that is one that I made this year….pretty cliche…but it’s way past due for me to do this. A bunch of the girls at work are trying to lose weight, too, so that helps a lot! Several of them are doing Weight Watchers, so I’ve decided to join, too. So last friday I joined online. I don’t really have time to go to meetings each week and it’s so much cheaper to do it online. I’ve been really good about tracking my points so far. It helps that it’s a lot easier to do than I thought it would be. From friday until yesterday I had already lost 4 lbs….so hopefully that’s good sign that this time I’ll actually be able to lose some weight. It’s really helping that so many of my friends at work are doing weight watchers too. It’s almost like having a free meeting right there at work. I’m also starting to exercise more. I’ve been either walking or when it’s too cold…like it has been, I’ve just been working out at home. it’s a little harder to keep at it when I’m feeling so horrible, but hopefully this stupid cold will go away soon, so I can get back to my routine.
so, my application for Africa was officially accepted…so as long as God provides the money, I will be going to Africa this summer! I’ve got a few more finishing touches to put on my support letters, and then I just have to hurry up and get addresses and send them out. This is the part that really makes me nervous. I’ve failed miserably at the support raising part in the past…so I’m really trying to be positive about it this time around. I’m not quite as nervous about asking people…I’m just afraid that I’m gonna run out of people to ask…and that the people I ask won’t give…and then I’ll be in the same situation as last time. But I know God has called me to go, so I know that He will provide for me as well. That’s something that I’m really trying to work on learning lately. God’s provision. So many times I try to do things in my own time or the way I want to do them…but what I really need to do is just let the things that God has planned for my life happen when He wants them to. It’s so hard to just let go and live the life that God wants for me. Why do I have to be so stubborn sometimes? I guess I’ve just been so used to living my life and having to make decisions about what I want to do with my life that I often forget that God already has great things planned for me. I don’t think I’ve told very many people this, but I have a really hard time with money. Not just the lack of money that i’ve dealt with all my life. More like I have a hard time managing what money I do have. I’m horrible at saving money…even though I really need to be putting money back. besides helping my mom out with bills and paying on my student loan…I don’t really have a lot of monthly bills of my own right now. So theoretically I should be able to put a pretty good chunk of my paycheck into savings each month…but then there’s all the little stuff that comes up every month…and each month I end up telling myself that I’ll start a savings account with the next paycheck. well…i’ve been telling myself that now for a year. so hopefully I can do it next month…but who knows..it’ll probably be the same old song and dance… the thing is that until I do this, I won’t be able to get back into school…because I have to save money to be able to pay UCA back. That’s part of what I’m trying to learn about God’s provision. I’ve decided that this year I am determined to tithe 10% every month…I’ve never been great at tithing…and when i did it was very rarely the full 10%…so that’s one of my goals this year. That’s something that I’m hoping will help me start trusting in God’s provision a little more….because when I can trust Him with that 10% then I will hopefully be able to trust Him with the rest.
ok…that was a lot longer than I expected it to be. hopefully my rambling made some sense.
I really should start blogging more often. I miss it.
So, I guess I’ll start with the most exciting news. I may be spending a month in Southern Africa this next summer. Last Monday, I turned in my application and $100 deposit for Project 222, a month long mission trip with Chi Alpha. They haven’t told me whether I’m accepted yet…but I’m pretty sure that I will be. There are only 50 spots available, but I was one of the few that turned in my application by the first deadline…so I’m almost certain I’ll be going to Africa next summer. Now I just need to raise the support to go. It’s going to cost about $3,500 to $4,000…which is a lot of money…so I need to start sending support letters ASAP! Even though I’m supper excited about possibly getting to go to Africa…I’m also scared to death! Not necessarily about going, but about everything that comes before the trip.
About two years ago I almost went on the same trip. I was a freshman in college and I don’t think I realized what all it took to raise support and go on a trip like this. I was going through a lot of growth and dealing with some tough issues…so, even though my heart was absolutely in it, my mind kept getting sidetracked. I was split in so many directions. I did a horrible job at trying to raise support. Money just wasn’t coming in…at all. About a month before we were supposed to leave, I sat down with Matt, the guy in charge of the trip, and we decided that the lack of financial support coming in for me was basically God’s way of telling me that I shouldn’t go on the trip. It was a really tough time for me. I’d spent so much time preparing for the trip with the team that it was really hard to stay behind when they left for Africa that summer.
So, now I know what I’m getting myself into. I know how hard it will be. I know how much it will cost, financially and spiritually, going in to it. I think since then I’ve matured a lot, and I’m a lot better prepared to go to Africa. I’m still pretty scared though. What if I still can’t raise enough money? What if I fail all over again? I don’t know if I could handle that again. It took a lot of encouragement and advice from friends before I even had enough guts to turn in the application to go. I think the only thing that is giving me hope is that I know God is my provider. I know I’m called to go. Two years ago, I felt called to go, but God was doing so much other stuff in my life, that He knew that I wasn’t ready to go. I had the heart for it. God had given me such a passion for the people of Africa, especially the poor and the oppressed, but He knew that if I went that I wouldn’t have been prepared to do His will. So since then, God has continued to break my heart for His people. The passion He gave me before continues to be multiplied. I think that before I even thought about trying to go on Project again, that He began preparing me for it. So earlier this fall, when God began to call me to go on Project again, I knew I’d be better prepared this time, but at the same time I wondered whether it was me wanting to go or God calling me to go. I think that the fact that I feel so called to go, yet so scared is one way that I know it’s not just me. The first time I tried to go I wasn’t really scared at all. I was excited and maybe a little nervous, but never really scared. Now, I am and I know that God is using that fear to draw me closer to Him and help me lean on Him completely. He’s teaching me to lay down that fear and put my trust in Him.
So now begins the lengthy support raising period. I’ve already started working on my support letters. My goal is to have my first batch of letters sent out before Christmas. Which means I need to get started on collecting addresses and phone numbers of everyone I’m going to send letters to. Raising support is a long process, but I know that God will provide.
I want to try to start writing on here more often. It helps me sort out all the jumbled thoughts in my head sometimes. I’m really going to try to keep this more up to date from now on, especially now that I’ll be getting ready for Africa and raising support and such.
Until next time.
I just wanted to write a short post saying how great God is!
Today I signed my job contract with Little Life Academy as the Lead Teacher in the infant room! It doesn’t pay extremely well…but it’s a LOT better than my old job. I didn’t even really have to do anything to get the job either. My friend, Kitt, just told me to put in my resume and the day after I e-mailed it to the director, I had an interview! The interview went by really fast and was over before I knew it…one of the ladies interviewing me actually told me that she ran out of questions, because I had told her everything she wanted to know. Never in my life has job hunting gone so well or gone by so fast. I started looking for a job and within a week I had one. Talk about God answering prayers!
on a completely different supject..i’m going to go meet one of my mom’s friends tomorrow who is giving me an 18″x24″ portfolio and a box of oil paints…for FREE…I’m just a little excited about it! I’ve never used oil paints..so it’ll be a new experience that’s for sure. Now I’m in the mood to go make some art. 
Oh, speaking of art…this summer when I was in Tennessee, I got to paint a sweet mural on my friends’ awesome old, wooden plank bathroom door…it’s awesome..I just wish I had a picture of it so I could show it to everyone. Anyone else interested in any one-of-a-kind-Brenna-made-art…feel free to let me know…I’m usually pretty reasonable about pricing…especially if you provide me with a canvas and or some paints..and if I really like you I might actually make you something for free..because I’m nice like that. ok, this is starting to sound rambly…so I’ll take my leave now.
Filed under: Life
today, i took my little sister into Conway to go buy some art supplies…and other than spending way too much money on them…it made me extremely happy!
About a month ago I went to a retreat at my church camp that focused on the different aspects of worship..and I got to be in a group for visual arts. There were only four of us in the group, so we pretty much got to do whatever we wanted to do. I ended up doing several paintings that were displayed during the final service that the campers put together. Well, I had several people come ask me if they could buy the paintings that I did…which made me really happy. I ended up giving one away to my best friend, Amy…and I sold two to Ms. Robin, one of the camp counselors. She said that she loved my art work..and actually she wanted to buy all of the paintings I did, but I had already promised some of them to other people. Well, she asked me if I would like to paint some paintings for her daughter’s room that they are re-doing…and she said that she would pay be really well for them! So of course I jumped on it! Well, since Jr. Camp is only a couple of weeks away, and I’ll be moving really soon, I figured I had better get a start on the paintings for her. I finally got in contact with her and her daughter and they want at least 5 paintings, including 1 that is really big to hang at the head of her bed. So far I have finished 2 of the 5 paintings. Lesley, the girl I’m doing the paintings for, gave me a list of 5 of her favorite quotes that she wants me to use in the paintings…which is great, because I love using words in my art! The first two that I’ve finished are: “Love is giving someone the power to break your heart, but trusting them not to.”; and “Anyone who says sunshine is happiness has never danced in the rain.” I have to say that I’m really happy with how they both turned out. The other quotes that I’m painting for her are: “Either you define the moment or the moment defines you.”, “and so the lion fell in love with the lamb”…which is apparently from the book Twilight..which I really want to read….and “The best things in life are unseen, thats why we close our eyes when we kiss, cry, and dream.”..which is the one she wants on the really big canvas above her bed. It’s been quite a while since someone asked me to paint anything for them…especially for money. Now the hard thing will be trying to come up with a price to ask for them..I’m so bad about asking someone to pay a certain price for a painting…I don’t want to ask for too much..but at the same time, I don’t want to ask for too little either. I feel that if I ask for too much, then it will make me seem cocky about my art, or that my art isn’t really worth what I asked for. And if I ask for too little, then I cheapen my art and make it seem like what I do isn’t worth anything. I really need to come up with a good set of guidelines for selling my paintings, especially since i know of two other people that want me to paint stuff for them…one is a girl wanting paintings for her new dorm room in the fall, and the other is one of my best friends from high school wanting me to paint her some paintings for her new house. If anyone that even reads this has ever sold there artwork and wants to make suggestions on how much to charge for acrylic on canvas paintings of all different sizes…please feel free to do so…because I’m at a loss. Other than that, it feels good to have someone commission art from me…I guess that kind of reinforces the fact that I really am an artist.
on a completely different note…I only have 9 more days that I have to work before my last day. I gave my notice at my work over a week ago…and it’s really dragging by…and getting even worse than it was before. it will be good to take a month or so and not work. Two weeks at Camp Formosa, then a week or so out in Tennessee with my best friend, Emily, will be really nice. Then I’ll come back and find another job in Conway somewhere, preferably not at a daycare this time, though. I think I’ve had my share of demon-children to last me a while…not saying that all of the kids at my work are that bad…but a few sure can be monsters at times…and it seems like I’m the one that always gets stuck with them it seems.
Now off to get some packing done, because I move to Conway in less than two weeks…and barely anything in this house has been packed yet!
WOW! My weekend has been a BLAST! I’m so glad that I got to do everything that happened this weekend! I could go into so much detail about all of the fun stuff that happened this weekend..but I’ll just keep to the highlights….Eating out on Friday with my old roomies and a good friend, then playing board games until nearly midnight. Crashing my best friend Stephanie’s family reunion with by BFF Meggie on Saturday. Having to explain that we weren’t really related to anyone there..haha! Eating really yummy food and listening to Steph’s family play some music. Playing Nertz and playing with play-dough with Stephanie’s sisters. Singing and goofing off in the car with my best friends. Going to my first ever kick-boxing fight and seeing my friend Kayla (who is ranked 3rd in the world) win a new title. Getting to spend all weekend with my best friend, Meggie! Going to my little brother’s baccalaureate and getting to see him for the first time in what seems like forever. And going to Elevation to top it all off!
I’m so blessed.
I’m moving back to Conway at the end of this month!!
My mom and her boyfriend, Bill, are moving in together…which means that I’ll be moving with them. It is such a blessing that we found this house. We’ve been looking for a while now and just couldn’t find anything that met all of the things we needed in a house. Well, a couple of days ago we finally found the perfect house to move in to. It has 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, a huge living room and huge den, a sun porch, and a two car garage. It’s in a pretty nice neighborhood with lots of huge oak trees…and we have a nice fenced in back yard with a tall privacy fence. Plus, I get my own room..so that makes me happy, too! I love it already. This house has got to be the nicest house we’ve ever lived in.
I’m still restless. but I think even the small move is going to help.
i think that i’ve pretty much made up my mind on where i want to end up by the end of this year. for some reason or another i feel really called to move to Murfreesboro, TN. I have a few friends that live there. One of them being one of my best friends from church camp and her family. but i don’t think that’s the main reason behind me wanting to move out there. sometimes things are just put on my heart and i never really know why…i guess it’s just a God thing. Moving to Tennessee is one of those things. i put it down as a God thing.
this move is definitely a good thing for me. the only semi-bad thing about it is that i will most likely end up having to quit my job here in Greenbrier. they really don’t pay me enough to make it worth commuting…plus, i’ve gotten to the point where i’ve started asking myself why i keep working there..and i don’t really like the answer i give myself. when i started working at the daycare, i loved it. but now, the stress of the job is starting to take its toll on me. i absolutely love the kids there…well, most of them anyway…quite a few of them are down-right monsters..and won’t ever listen to me. i’m tired of feeling like i have absolutely no authority..even when i’m the one in charge. my director, America, already knows that i will probably be quitting sometime soon. as soon as she found out that i was moving she acted upset about it. i told her i would keep working there as long as i could..but since it’s my mom’s vehicle, i didn’t know how long that would be. i can tell that i’m going to be missed. and i have to admit, i am going to miss working there…but i knew from the start that i wasn’t going to be working there for a really long time. i have some really great co-workers, an amazing director, and probably the best boss you could ask for….and don’t even get me started on some of the kids there. i think more than anything that’s what i’m going to miss the most. the kids.
right now, i’m thinking that i’ll keep working through June 5th or so..which is when we have to be moved out of our current house by. i’ve already requested June 9-13 off of work so that i can work at my church camp for a week…so i may just put my two weeks notice in for the end of the 1st week of June…that way i won’t have to be gone, then come back and quit. i’ve been trying to work it out so that i could go out to Murfreesboro to visit my best friend, Emily, for a little while…and so far every time we’ve tried, things have just not worked out. Her and her family are going to be in Arkansas for a couple of weeks in the middle of June, and I think I may try to just go back with them for a week (or maybe even two) when they head back to Tennessee. I’m seriously wanting to move out there…and it will do me some good to go out there and get a feel for the place first. I’ve talked it over with my mom a little..and she seemed pretty ok with it…surprisingly.
ok, enough of my fragmented and rambling thoughts for tonight. i’ll be awake with these thoughts still tumbling around in my head for some time now…so i guess i better get started on trying to get to sleep.
-Bren.
They sang this song at Elevation tonight…and I’ve had it stuck in my head ever since. It’s definitely my new favorite!! I’ve probably listened to it about a dozen times already. <3
Second Chance by Hillsong United
You called my name, reached out Your hand,
Restored my life, and I was redeemed,
The moment You entered my life,
Amazing grace, Christ gave that day,
My life was changed,
When from my shoulders, fell the weight of my sin
Chorus
So it’s with everything I am,
I reach out for Your hand,
The hope for change, the second chance I’ve gained,
On You I throw my life, casting all my fears aside,
How could greater love than this, ever possibly exist?
Consume my thoughts, as I rest in you,
I’m now in love, with a Saviour,
Bearing the marks of His love
Chorus x2
Bridge
So I wait upon You now,
With my hands released to You,
Where a little faith’s enough,
To see mountains lift and move,
And I wait upon You now,
Dedicated to Your will,
To this love that will remain,
A love that never fails
Filed under: Uncategorized
sometimes i find myself wanting to just run away from everything. leave this place and just start over somewhere new.
i don’t know if it’s because i’m just unhappy with where i am….or because of something else. this isn’t the first time that i’ve felt like this. actually it was just last fall that i thought about wanting something different…then i ended up not going back to UCA the next semester…partly because of money..and partly because of needing something new. well, now it’s May…and I’ve been living at home with my mom and little sister since this past December….and well…to put it bluntly…i don’t like it..at all. right now the only thing stopping me from moving out on my own is the fact that i don’t have a car of my own that works. i have one that i’m “buying” from my mom..but the whole front end needs to be fixed first…we’re talking quite a bit of body and mechanical work that needs to be done…so that complicates things. i probably could have saved enough money to buy a car that works…if I hadn’t been the one paying all of my mom’s bills…because she still hasn’t found a job yet. grrr….so enough of that tangent…now you see why i want to run away. somewhere new. somewhere i can be free.
is it so bad to want to be free? to want to start over? my life is not all that bad…but i long for something more. right now i feel like whatever it is i’m meant to be doing is happening somewhere else…with out me…if that makes any sense. it’s like what i’m meant for is out there somewhere..waiting on me to get there so it can happen.
You’d think i could be happy with where i am for a little while…but i guess i just can’t…or won’t..settle for less than what i know i deserve…less than what God has planned for me. i’m still not sure what exactly what that is…but i know it’s not this. I know it’s not this mediocre life that i’m living right now. it’s not this monotony of day in, day out living just to survive. i want to live with a purpose. i want to do more than what i’ve been doing. and i’m not going to find that living at home with my family. i’m just not.
i’ve always told my mom that she’s a gypsy at heart. never staying in one place for very long. that’s how it’s been pretty much all of my life. moving every couple of years or so. i always hated it. i hated having to make new friends all over again. i hated having to get used to a new house, new school, new friends. i wanted to stay somewhere long enough to have memories of friends that went back more than a year or two. and that’s what i got when i got her to stay in one place long enough to finish all 4 years of high school in one place. but more and more, i’m beginning to think that i might just have a gypsy heart, too. because i can’t quite seem to settle in to one place again. i’m restless. i want to pack up all of my stuff and just move off somewhere that i’ve never been before. for once, i actually want the new house, new school…even new friends. not that my current friends are all that bad…because they’re not. they’re amazing. but i feel disconnected. out of place, i guess. and i hate that. it makes me start to feel lonely…even when i’m surrounded by people. i need to find a place where i feel..connected..wanted..included…anything but out of place.
my mom says that her gypsy heart is more of her promising herself over the years to never settle in to a place that doesn’t feel like home…to keep moving until her heart is content with where she is, then she can stop moving and be happy where she is. right now, that’s how my heart feels. it’s not content with where it is…so it’s ready to move on to try to find out where that place is.
i need something more. i need to find out where i belong…and not just settle for what’s right in front of me. if that means picking up and moving to a totally new place…then i will. whatever it takes, i want to find who i am and where i belong. until then…i don’t think i’m going to be all that happy..at least not for very long anyway.
ok, so I had a pretty horrible day at work today…it started out ok…other than my neck and back hurting pretty badly just like they have been for about a week now. other than that it was pretty much a usual day working at a daycare..then it went downhill kind of fast.
I’m a floater at work, so that means that I get to go around the center and let everyone go on there lunch breaks everyday. Well, when I went into the Toddler Room to let a girl go on her break, she pretty much goes off on me about putting the wrong sheets on the wrong cots the day before…all of the cots are numbered…and apparently so are the sheets. And I didn’t realize that it mattered so much that the sheet number matched the cot number. So yesterday, I just put the sheets on the cots as fast as I could so that I could get all the kids down for a nap….and today I got griped at because of it. I don’t think it would have bothered me so much, but the way she went about it…and the tone she used with me…well, she was really hateful and rude about it.
Well, after she left for her break another one of my coworkers saw that I was mad and asked what had happened…but me being me, I broke down crying because I was so upset. Then the assistant director came to help me put the kids to sleep…and asked me what happened…so I pretty much broke down again…and then I had to retell it again to another coworker..so I cried again. When I finally got to leave that room and go do another break, another coworker, Stephanie, asked me what was wrong because something had to be wrong if I wasn’t smiling…and I just shook my head and told her if I talked about it I would cry again. I left to go do something for a couple of minutes and when I came back she told me that they told her what happened and she asked me if I was alright and if she needed to beat someone up for me…even though she’s nearly 5 months pregnant. She said she couldn’t believe that anyone would be mean to me, because I’m so sweet and I always do everything without complaining, and am always willing to help….which made me cry AGAIN! After that, I was done crying for a while…until I told my mom what had happened…which made me cry yet again. I feel like that’s all I’ve done today.
Ok, glad to get that out.
Not sure if that even made all that much sense…but I don’t even really care if anyone really reads all of this…if you just did…thanks…but all I really cared about was getting it out. I’m just hoping that tomorrow will be better.
Also, my back and neck still hurt really bad….don’t know what I’m going to do to make them better. I really need to see a chiropractor..but with no insurance I just can’t afford it. I can usually handle the pain, but it keeps me up at night, which means I’ve been extra tired on top of everything else. I’m praying for a good night’s sleep tonight…and that I have a much better day tomorrow than today…oh, and we are having evaluations at work tomorrow…I think I should do ok…but still pretty nervous about it.
I haven’t quite decided whether I should just post my thoughts and stuff on this blog or do something else….but for this post I think I’ll do something else.
The other day I was just looking around online and some way or another I found my way to the website of photographer Jeremy Cowart. If you’ve never heard of him…well, let’s just say that you are missing out, because his work is amazing! He does a lot of celebrity photos (musicians, actors, and the like) but he also has a lot of other amazing work, too…my favorite being his photos from Africa. Seeing as this blog is so new, that means that I have yet to share about my passion for Africa. I don’t really feel like going into a lot of detail…so I’ll just say that even though I have never even been to Africa, that’s where part of my heart is. Last summer, I was going to get to spend a month in South Africa and Mozambique on a mission trip, but due to the lack of financial backing, I had to stay here in the US, while the team that I’d spent months preparing and praying with went without me. I was okay with staying here, because I knew that God had other plans for me that summer….but I’m pretty sure that a piece of my heart went with that group to Africa and didn’t come back. I’m not sure when, but someday I will go there and I will do all that I can to help..even if all I can do is give someone a hug and tell them that God loves them…that is what I will do.
ok, so no more talking about that right now.
it won’t let me link to individual pictures from his site, so just go check out all of Jeremy Cowart’s Africa pictures here.
also, here is a my favorite picture out of all the pictures that my friends took on the trip last summer. It was taken by my friend, Emily, in Mozambique…actually, she says that this picture was a complete accident…but I absolutely LOVE it!
Also, there is another group of about 50 students going back to South Africa and Mozambique on May 30 of this year…including quite a few of my very close friends…so if you’re reading this….keep them in your prayers as they are still raising money and preparing for the month long trip.
