the life of brenna

sometimes i find myself wanting to just run away from everything. leave this place and just start over somewhere new.

i don’t know if it’s because i’m just unhappy with where i am….or because of something else. this isn’t the first time that i’ve felt like this. actually it was just last fall that i thought about wanting something different…then i ended up not going back to UCA the next semester…partly because of money..and partly because of needing something new. well, now it’s May…and I’ve been living at home with my mom and little sister since this past December….and well…to put it bluntly…i don’t like it..at all. right now the only thing stopping me from moving out on my own is the fact that i don’t have a car of my own that works. i have one that i’m “buying” from my mom..but the whole front end needs to be fixed first…we’re talking quite a bit of body and mechanical work that needs to be done…so that complicates things. i probably could have saved enough money to buy a car that works…if I hadn’t been the one paying all of my mom’s bills…because she still hasn’t found a job yet. grrr….so enough of that tangent…now you see why i want to run away. somewhere new. somewhere i can be free.

is it so bad to want to be free? to want to start over? my life is not all that bad…but i long for something more. right now i feel like whatever it is i’m meant to be doing is happening somewhere else…with out me…if that makes any sense. it’s like what i’m meant for is out there somewhere..waiting on me to get there so it can happen.

You’d think i could be happy with where i am for a little while…but i guess i just can’t…or won’t..settle for less than what i know i deserve…less than what God has planned for me. i’m still not sure what exactly what that is…but i know it’s not this. I know it’s not this mediocre life that i’m living right now. it’s not this monotony of day in, day out living just to survive. i want to live with a purpose. i want to do more than what i’ve been doing. and i’m not going to find that living at home with my family. i’m just not.

i’ve always told my mom that she’s a gypsy at heart. never staying in one place for very long. that’s how it’s been pretty much all of my life. moving every couple of years or so. i always hated it. i hated having to make new friends all over again. i hated having to get used to a new house, new school, new friends. i wanted to stay somewhere long enough to have memories of friends that went back more than a year or two. and that’s what i got when i got her to stay in one place long enough to finish all 4 years of high school in one place. but more and more, i’m beginning to think that i might just have a gypsy heart, too. because i can’t quite seem to settle in to one place again. i’m restless. i want to pack up all of my stuff and just move off somewhere that i’ve never been before. for once, i actually want the new house, new school…even new friends. not that my current friends are all that bad…because they’re not. they’re amazing. but i feel disconnected. out of place, i guess. and i hate that. it makes me start to feel lonely…even when i’m surrounded by people. i need to find a place where i feel..connected..wanted..included…anything but out of place.

my mom says that her gypsy heart is more of her promising herself over the years to never settle in to a place that doesn’t feel like home…to keep moving until her heart is content with where she is, then she can stop moving and be happy where she is. right now, that’s how my heart feels. it’s not content with where it is…so it’s ready to move on to try to find out where that place is.

i need something more. i need to find out where i belong…and not just settle for what’s right in front of me. if that means picking up and moving to a totally new place…then i will. whatever it takes, i want to find who i am and where i belong. until then…i don’t think i’m going to be all that happy..at least not for very long anyway.